Diamonds On My Wrist Whiskey On My Tongue
My personal blog of thoughts
My personal blog of thoughts
Settled in at Amy’s on Thursday. Its been awesome, spent two day drunk. I’m glad things are not awkward with Amy like I anticipated. Actually It seems things are moving further forward between us. Just going to let things develop naturally. Hating that this is only temporary. But we are actually looking to moving in together permanently with Danny, Jamie and Devon as well. Great friends! Loving life =)
I’m so lost. I don’t know who I am anymore. This journey of self-discovery is long, and lonely. And I get so sad at times, that I sometimes start crying because of the loneliness in front of crowds. I don’t belong anywhere anymore.
Once I felt so lost, and desperate when I was first coming to terms with my sexuality. It an attempt to find myself, I reinvented myself. I cut my hair, dyed it purple, started dressing differently.
Again when I was feeling lost, I tried reinventing myself, I started dressing differently again.
Now I’m lost again, and I’ve never been so lost. Most of the time I don’t even get out of bed because I’m so depressed and when I do it is for work, then I come home and lock myself back in my room and go back to bed. I am lost. I am sad. I am lonely.
It is time to make a change. I’m going to reinvent myself again, in an attempt to find myself. I’m handing in my sensei belt, Karate is not me anymore. I’m cutting my hair, and dying another colour. I’m joining a gym, I’m going to get skinny. I like my clothes, but I’m starting to wear them differently. I’m going to get my nails done again. I’ve started the sun beds again. And in a few days, I’m moving in with Amy for a little while. I hope I find myself again soon. But the prospect of all this is exciting so I’m on the right track even if it takes a few attempts.
First off I’m both surprised and pleased that I remembered (8) Is the emoticon for a music note. *Applause*
I’m still unsure if love is real. I feel it isn’t. We mistake strong mutual attraction coupled with similarities in personality and similar likes and dislikes for love. I agree that some people are more suitable together than other, but soulmates I’m not so sure about.
I have yet to be in ‘love’. I have thought I was when I was in the moment and relationship. But looking back the way love is described or how its supposed be or feel I know I’ve never had it. I have an addictive personality which causes me to think I’m in love, but it is qualities in a person I’m addicted to which causes me to hold on to them.
Louise = Made me feel good about myself, gave me a sense of safety, the ‘relationship’ was exciting. These qualities intensified by my addictive personality made me believe I was in love. Unfortunately I can comfortably say I wasn’t though I believed it at the time, and looking back it was a rather unfortunate bad relationship. And I use the word relationship loosely (As in barely existent).
Thomas = The closest thing I have had to feel love, everything about him is attractive and good. He’s the best guy I’ve ever known. And if its possible to love has it described it wish it was with him, or we get a chance. I dearly miss this boy with all my heart. Though it ended badly with him cheating on me, and us not speak for a year we are great friends now, and if thats all we can ever be then I’ll happy as long as he’s apart of my life some how.
Chris = Without a doubt was not love, I barely even remember attraction. He just stopped me feeling lonely. He was a good guy though. And we did end up being friends after, We no longer speak we just grew apart. But that boy had my back when we were friends. And I’m glad he’s doing well in life.
Adam = Strangely attracted to him, not sure why though. A complete arsehole. No longer speaking to him. I don’t even know what he’s doing with his life. Honestly can say I hate him. Four years he fucked with my feelings, every time I’d move on he’d say something or do something or spend a night making promises to reel me back in. Samee and I had a conversation about him and me and it caused me for the first time and last time to cry about him, after that I never spoke to him again I realized I didn’t need him, I did have to stop people from beating his ass for making me cry. But there’s was only attraction and definitely no love there now.
There’s probably people I’ve missed but I’m too tired to go in to them all.
I want to believe in soulmates, love, and fate. But something in me is telling me it’s not real.
I think love should be irresistible, like a drug. When it happen should just not be able to help yourself.
I really want to start skating again, but the problem is I haven’t skated since I was 15 so for about four years. I’d feel stupid re-learning to skate at 19. Plus I don’t have a board anymore, the one I had was custom made Blueprint deck which cost me about £180+ to make. I don’t have the money to custom make a board, or buy a decent complete one =/ If I was to get one I quite fancy getting a long board but I doubt I’d get away with it in this country the roads and pavements are not smooth enough. I almost miss blading. I think I just miss wheels generally. I like the speed and freedom. I might look into getting a deck. I really do miss it.
i’m so fucking tired. and now i have to got traders and be all happy and sell shots. when i want to do is curl up in a corner and sleep. fuck my life
- Uncle Robert ‘Bob’ Hope
That had to be the worst experience I have ever had in my life. One minute I was fine, the next I was on the verge of passing out and laying in my own sick. It came on far too sudden to be the alcohol, which I had that much of. I know my limits. And I’m a 100 percent sure that it wasn’t the alcohol. It was surprisingly similar to the time I got drunk and stoned with Stu. I had been drinking cocktails last night, and from previous experience, if I am sick, it is usually colored by the cocktails, last night it was white, or clear. It was the same as whiteying, the whole experience. Everyone who saw which was only briefly had said I was spiked, even the bouncer. Luckily I just went home, tried to get it out of my system whatever it was. I’ve woke up and for the last two hours I’ve been shaky, I can’t stop shaking. I’m so embarassed about the whole thing if I’m honest. I just want to lock myself in my room and never come out again. I really don’t want to face these people again. I don’t remember getting home, don’t remember getting in the house or unchanged, I just have any memory or leaving the bathroom of crown. I’ve managed to put together what has happened by reading my texts in morning. But fuck me, the worst experience ever, and scariest.
Yey!! Hurt more than I was expecting though. All good though!
How is it that I got this simple text back (when I was even expecting a reply) make me cry.
(Me: Heyy. I was reminded of you, and it made realise how much I miss you :( Are you home from uni?
Him: Yeah. We can hang out a little if you like. For old times sake)
October 2010, I made a vow to myself that I’m never to have regrets, to do whatever I want to do. I was looking for happiness. Yet I was naive enough to think that if took risks, said yes, and did whatever pleased me I would stop having regrets, and I’d be happy. For awhile I was right, went out whenever, got drunk whenever, got topless purely because I wanted a topless party, crashed houses parties, got with who ever, even licked chocolate off one guy for the crack. I became Game. I was game to do whatever, regardless of the consequences. For along time I stopped saying no. It was good, because of it I have some of the best memories, and stories.
In the New Year, and going back to college, I started to notice a boy more. He was sweet, and charming; in a bittersweet way he was naive and delightfully infectious. I started to get to know him, by the end of January I realized that he liked. I often caught him staring at me in class, but pretended not to notice. I’ll admit though at this point I didn’t know him that well, I started to think about it, and him. When he invited me to his eighteenth, my new rule of never having regrets came into play once again and I said. I was apprehensive about going, I’m glad I did. I met some friends of his that I’d never met before, and they were cool, and they told what I already knew that he did in fact like me. I met his mum, in the toilets while I was admitting I was gay, and hung up on a girl at work. Though I had indulged the thought of him. I remember just him and I sat outside on the bench away from his own party talking, I remember looking at the stars and it is now why I want to spend a night under the stars with him and only him. Though I wouldn’t admit it I realize now that was the point I started to fall in love with him. The party was great, and I got topless in front of his family because I’m that game, and he wore my bra because of the DJ. It was rather great. After that the next I invited him to my eighteenth, where I kissed him, unfortunately I so intoxicated that I barely remember. From then it evolved, we became friends and I learnt more about and I fell in love him more and more, occasionally when we were we ended up sharing a kiss. At some point I’d friend-zoned him, unintentionally. We became such great friends and I loved him so much that I couldn’t hurt him, I couldn’t risk what we had. Within this time my rule of never having regrets came in play yet again in the April of 2011. I took my first time into an unintentional relationship. This relationship itself had so many problems from the start, and it had its moments, yet even from the start it was doomed but I ventured ahead with two things in mind, it was something new to be with a girl and I wanted the experience, it’ll be fun if only for a little while, no regrets. But I got addicted to the relationship, I couldn’t let it go even with all the pain it caused I was addicted to the experience of being with a girl, the intimacy and strangely the certain type of pain and hurt it caused. But because I viewed as relationship, I wouldn’t let anything developed for the boy.
Now I’ve lost him, possibly forever, I lost her, definitely forever. I’ve learnt now from own life experiences, that one should never have regrets, yet one alway will. We are faced with choices everyday, we come to cross roads, what we choose determines our path. Once on it we can can not change or got back but deal with the consequences of our choice.
We should not regret the choices we make for at one point in your life it was exactly what you wanted.
Instead we should regret the choices we didn’t make.
I do not regret the relationship with the girl, but I do now regret giving up the chance with the boy because I was scared.
Come On A Cone - Nicki Minaj
Spent it entirely in my underwear, all day. And I don’t even give a fuck. However I’m now at half six going to get dressed to go to traders. Been a good easter in all though, doing nothing all day; watching lesbians (Lip Service) and listening to music semi naked. All is good in the world. =P
